If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what other people think; they don't do it very often.
Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.